Happy November and I hope everyone had a safe, fruitful and wonderful Halloween.
It’s unbelievable to me that it’s been six weeks since I’ve last posted, I can’t believe it because it feels more like double that amount of time. That speaks volumes to me about the state of body, mind and soul one has during a relapse. I use the term relapse because I have a food addiction. Binge eating is how I handle things when I am in an extremely emotional situation and at a complete loss on what to do, if things get really bad then I binge and purge. September put me into an extreme spiral.
At the beginning of August I took in a homeless teen, who was a complete stranger to me. My intentions were pure and I entered into this with a full heart. I should mention that I have never had children and have lived alone for a many years. Living with a teen was a culture shock!
August was a great month. We really had a great time together. He’s a nice person with a good heart and I believe that of him to this day.
Then came September, school started and he found a part time job at a restaurant. My happy teen was slowly losing his happiness. There was a big change in his personality and it became apparent to me, due to my own personal experience, that he was now smoking marijuana. He also began doing the crazy things that kids do when they’re high, like taking a nap while cooking. Thankfully only the pot he was making pasta in burned.
Mid-September came and he and I tried to work to come to some agreements with some professional assistance, he resented my reminding him to do the chores that he had agreed to. There is no doubt it got to the point that I was repeating things frequently and he resented the nagging. I stopped nagging and starting taking care of everything myself.
His attitude became the opposite of when he first moved in. It was extremely difficult to talk to him and he was hostile. It became unbearable and my happy home was now miserable. As I lost my voice in my own home, in order to try and keep him happy and my unhappiness grew, I turned to my old friend food.
When I’m in heavy duty binge mode I crave sweets; there is a direct link between sugar and depression. Sugar bingeing for three days or more always causes me to be depressed. Knowing this doesn’t stop me because, with the addiction being the leader, the mental and emotional decline that will happen isn’t real to me. I started to close myself off in my bedroom when I was home, which was most of the time because I wasn’t coping at all with life.
It got to the point where I realized that I was hurting myself, stuffing my feelings, so that I wouldn’t start screaming and yelling at this kid. I resented feeling like a prisoner in my own home. This wasn’t working for me and I couldn’t keep it up.
I realize that I am not easy to live with, I can be extremely anal and rigid. I like things just so and am set in my ways. When he and I met to see if we could live together, I told him I was hard to live with. I know there was no way for him to understand that, just as I couldn’t understand the reality of living with a teen in advance of doing so. Sadly a lot of the info I received from and about him wasn’t true and that was a factor I couldn’t have known either when making my original decision.
There is a lot that I handled wrong in this situation, frankly I just didn’t know what to do and so much of the advice I received just wasn’t right for the situation. I know because I followed some of the advice and it caused more of a problem. The biggest mistake I made was saying yes from the beginning, knowing that I live alone better than with another. On October 3rd I was once again by myself.
I finally stopped the sugar mid-October, though the bingeing continued until five days ago. Today is the third day that I have been back on my calorie count and eating properly – sanely. It feels good to be in my body again.
I learned so much about my whole self, body, mind, and soul, through this experience. It’s eye opening for me just how different my body feels depending on what I fuel it with. I got a bird’s eye view of just how hard I can be on myself and how much, if I’m not careful, I’ll let other people’s opinions influence me. I learned that when I stop practicing my spirituality I lose my vision and my way. Most importantly I learned that it’s never too late to get back on the bandwagon and that I am perfectly fine, whole and complete, just the way I am.
Due to a cold and appointment availability I haven’t weighed in at the bariatric clinic since my last weigh-in post, so I have no clue where I am at with weight, other than I have gained. I have an appointment on Wednesday and I’ll will post an update then.
I have just started cooking again and I will be back posting recipes within the next week. Cooking is a big part of how I keep on track and it brings me so much joy. I won’t be posting recipes daily any more as it doesn’t leave me the option of eating my favourite recipes that have already been posted, other than side dishes! My goal is to post 2-3 times per week now. I may start re-blogging other amazing low calorie recipes from others on the days I don’t post my own recipes. I’m also missing painting which I love and am busy with different groups that I lead. I plan on spending this weekend cooking so I will see you soon.
May your journey be scrumptious and the company you keep inspiring and supportive.